For Want of Magic
by Qaddafi the Ripper
Summary: Artemis Fowl crossover. While on summer vacation in Ireland, Draco Malfoy runs into a rouge B'wa Kell goblin. Soon he's neck deep in fairy and Muggle affairs.
1. Great Balls of Fire

**For Want of Magic**  
**Author:** Qaddafi the Ripper  
**Summary:** Harry Potter / Artemis Fowl crossover. While on summer vacation in Ireland, Draco Malfoy runs into a rouge B'wa Kell goblin. Soon he's neck deep in fairy and Muggle affairs. 

**Caveman Disclaimer:** Me not Rowling. Me not Colfer. You no sue. Draco useless pretty boy.

**Pre-fic Notes:** Timeline-wise, this takes place just before Order of the Phoenix for Harry Potter (making Draco 15), and after Opal Deception for Artemis Fowl (making Artemis 14). This story will eventually include crossover slash of the Draco/Artemis variety, but that's way, way in the future. This is also likely to be a long story. If either of those two isn't your thing, the logical thing would be to not read this story.

More notes to follow this chapter.

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**Chapter One:** Great Balls of Fire 

One rarely knows in advance that one is going to have a horrible day. After all, if a person knew the day ahead would be simply awful in every way, then a smart person would just stay in bed (unless the bad day involved the house burning down, of course). (Less intelligent people might try to face a bad day and try to change it into a good day. These people are sometimes erroneously called "optimists.")

One of those really bad days was happening to Draco Malfoy. Well, he didn't know it was happening quite yet, but he'd figure it out pretty soon. His parents had decided to take a little family vacation over the summer holidays. Thus far, the summer had been a rather busy, what with homework to prepare Draco for OWLs, Narcissa's near completion of her year's long patchwork quilt, Voldemort's return the past June, and a million little tasks in the Ministry of Magic that only Lucius could take care of. So a nice trip was just what all three of them were looking forward to.

Lucius had debated for some time where would be the best place to go for a vacation. He didn't want to travel too far away, since you never knew when You-Know-Who might call an emergency meeting. On the other hand, he wanted to go far enough that he didn't feel like he was at home, and someplace interesting was always preferred. Narcissa reminded him that the family hadn't been to Ireland since before Draco was born, and he would just love to see it, and so that was where they went.

Draco did like Ireland after all, though he'd found the trip when he was ten to Hong Kong somewhat more interesting. They had been here for eight days, and were planning to head back to England the day after tomorrow. Lucius had found a brochure about a romantic getaway nearby, and decided to take Narcissa there for the day. Draco assured his parents that he would be fine on his own, as there were things he wanted to see that they would have no interest in.

As soon as they were gone, Draco put on a change of clothes and headed off to the town just down the street from the wizarding village they were staying in. The interest the town held for him was simple: it was a Muggle town.

Draco had never spent much time around Muggles. Even when he was in Muggle areas, like London or King's Cross Station, he barely spent enough time to look around before getting to whatever magical location was his destination. He'd noticed this village as soon as they got to Ireland, and had been hoping his parents would take a day for themselves so he could go there. He'd even planned in advance by asking their innkeeper, who had his children's old clothes laying around in the attic, for a spare Muggle outfit that would fit him.

Now he had his chance, and he walked down the street to the town in good-natured anticipation. He would finally have a chance to see how Muggles lived.

Not that he liked Muggles or anything, of course. Muggles were naturally inferior to wizards. He had no interest in ever living among Muggles, nor had he ever taken Muggle studies. But the brief glances he'd had of Muggles had made him curious to see at least one Muggle town. Just for sight-seeing purposes, though. Wouldn't want to stay near the filth too long, for fear some of it might rub off on him.

The first thing he discovered was that walking down the road was a bad idea. He discovered this when a large carriage, going entirely too fast, almost ran him over. After that, he walked on the side of the road.

When he finally reached the town, he walked slowly down the sidewalk, gaping every bit as much as a Muggle-born child on a first trip to Diagon Alley. There was no sign of magic, which he had expected, but what he hadn't expected was how well Muggles seemed to cope even without it. Some treacherous part of his mind might have suggested this meant Muggles weren't really all that inferior, but it was squished by his well-developed ego long before it reached the conscious part of his brain.

Almost before he knew it, it was noon. He found his way to a restaurant that had tables covered by bright umbrellas outside and sat down. It never occurred to him that the restaurant might not take his galleons as payment for food. He contemplated a menu, which fortunately had dishes he recognized though unfortunately no pumpkin juice, and waited semi-patiently for his order.

It was while he was waiting, thinking that house elves had food ready so much faster, that his day turned horrible.

He was probably the first person to spot it when it appeared across the street, though he was certainly not the last. Having gone to numerous magical zoos in his life, and then having studied Care of Magical Creatures, Draco thought he could identify any creature he saw. Or at least say it looked vaguely familiar. The creature across from him looked like nothing he'd ever seen or even heard of before.

It was reptilian, with some strange leather garment on. It had long teeth and stood upright on two legs. It held out two fists which were on fire. Or rather, not so much on fire as holding the fire in its hands. Draco gripped his wand in a suddenly sweaty hand and started looking frantically for the quickest escape route.

Since bad days must always get worst, it was at this moment that the other patrons at the restaurant noticed the creature. A woman a few tables down from Draco let out a high-pitched screech, and soon the area was a confusion of bodies all trying to get inside the marginal safety of the restaurant through a door far too small for the current task. Draco, a few steps behind the standard riot procedure (a rare thing for him), finally managed to get up and scurry after every one else. Much as he didn't want to hide in close quarters among Muggles, it was better than staying outside with that thing.

Unfortunately, he was at the very back of the crowd. He was also, though he wasn't thinking about this at the time, wearing a very bright yellow t-shirt. (The innkeeper had picked it out because he though it would match Draco's hair. The innkeeper's wife hadn't let her husband dress himself since they got married because of his lack of fashion sense.) Needless to say, the color, so bright against the rest of the crowd, provided far too tempting a target for the goblin.

Goblin was the species name the creature would give himself, though he was a far different type of goblin than the ones Draco had seen working in Gringott's Bank. He was from the Lower Elements and a part of the B'wa Kell triad. Over a year ago, the B'wa Kell had staged a huge revolt against the Lower Elements Police, but they had been defeated at the last moment. Most of the gang members had been captured, or shortly thereafter, but some few had managed to escape.

This particular goblin, who went by the name Spert, had been on the run for over a year and was starting to get tired of it. Just three days ago, when he'd seen a shuttle heading up to the surface, he'd decided to hitch a ride along with a bunch of his friends. Surely the above the earth was safer for him right then than below the earth. He'd managed on the surface for a few hours, until day came. Goblins are less bothered by sunlight than other races living below the earth, but they still didn't much like it. Spert had to run all over trying to find a place to stay during daylight hours and today he'd finally lost his patience and wandered into a human village during high noon.

No one had ever accused goblins of being intelligent, and Spert was no exception of that rule. Even now, having caused a major riot, it never occurred to Spert that he might want to run away. Instead, all he could think of was hitting some of the Mud Men and then bragging about it to his friends when he got back home. It was sure to impress the ladies!

And so he threw a fireball at the bright yellow target in the back of the crowd of humans, already composing a heroic and suspenseful tale (at least in goblin terms) to tell when this was all over.

* * *

The Fowl Manor was fairly quiet today. Mr. and Mrs. Fowl were visiting some old school friends and were expected back on Saturday. Juliet was still in Mexico, where she was just starting to gain some notoriety as the Jade Princess. She'd sent Butler a promotional advert that pictured her to one side, which he'd proudly taped on the wall of his bedroom. Butler himself was sitting in front of the TVs that showed the road leading to the manor, cleaning his gun. He could also see the screen which showed his young charge messing with a piece of fairy technology. 

Artemis Fowl the Second had acquired some pieces of equipment from Holly Short on his last trip with the former LEP captain. Well, Holly knew about some of what he had, and it wasn't like she would miss any of the rest. Artemis reminded himself of that every time his newly-discovered conscience gave him a pointed nudge.

Besides that, now that Holly was a private detective (and partnering up with Mulch Diggums of all people), she might have a case that would cause her to come up this way. And if she did come here, she might just need Artemis's help again, so it was only logical that he prepare to help her out however much she might need.

His current piece used to be an LEP helmet, but now it could be worn by a human. He'd done these same revisions before, as his newly re-acquired memories attested, but since all his old pieces had been confiscated he needed to make new ones.

He was just finishing the former helmet and deciding what to do next when he received an in-coming call. And not from his cell phone, but from the phone inside the helmet. There were only three people it could be. Artemis answered, feeling more excited than he usually did. There weren't many people he could call friend, and he could admit to himself that he looked forward to hearing from his fairy friends.

It was Holly on the line, and it was obvious this wasn't a social call. "Artemis, bad news," she said in greeting, wasting no time. "I've just heard that a group of rouge B'wa Kell goblins who have been running from the LEP for the past year have found a way up to the surface. We think they hid in the baggage compartment of a tourist shuttle to Tara. Mulch and I are on our way up as fast as we can make it, but there could be trouble already. Could you run a scan for goblins and, if any are near a populated region, take them out? Mulch and I will back you up as soon as we get there." She said all of this quickly, giving Artemis no chance to interrupt.

Artemis nodded. "Of course I'll help, Holly. Butler and I will find any goblins that are an immediate danger. Call me when you get to Tara."

Holly sighed in relief. "Thanks, Artemis. I owe you." And she cut the connection.

Artemis started the scan using the helmut, then leaned back in his seat for a moment, feeling pleased. Not being a terribly social person, and certainly not interacting well with other people his own age, there weren't many he could call friend. He was quite fond of his parents, naturally, and he got along well with Butler and Juliet, but it wasn't the same as making a friend who hadn't known you since you were born. Holly, Mulch, Foaly, and maybe Root were the first people he'd ever really thought to call friend.

It was a nice feeling, and it was why he was willing to help Holly out with her dirty work. Besides, after a life of crime, it was nice to play the part of the hero.

The scan soon finished, and he checked the results, then stood up and went in search of Butler. His bodyguard was, unsurprisingly, ready to go. "You heard my conversation with Holly?" Artemis asked calmly.

Butler nodded. "I'm ready to go anytime you are, Artemis." It went without saying that it was fortunate that this would be a simple affair, otherwise Butler's health wouldn't allow him to participate much.

"One goblin is getting close to a small town not too far from here," Artemis said, handing Butler the helmut so the bodyguard could check for himself. Butler nodded in agreement, and mentally determined the best roads to get to their destination quickly.

And after picking up some fairy tech, including a small gun that Butler had helped Artemis lean to aim properly, they were off. As promised, the drive there wasn't long, which was good, because things were already hectic when they arrived.

Artemis calmly assessed the situation from a safe distance. People fled in a panicked riot, but not nearly fast enough. He noticed in particular that there was a boy in the back of the crowd (he stood out in that violently yellow shirt) at whom the goblin appeared to be aiming.

"Do we attack now, Artemis?" Butler asked, as calm as ever, though he'd already taken out his Sig Sauer.

"Yes," Artemis agreed. "But try not to kill the goblin. It might upset Holly."

"I'll try," Butler concurred. He stalked off towards the goblin, silent as a shadow. Unfortunately, before he could get in range to take the goblin down by hand, the goblin attacked the boy in yellow. It had been gathering fire around its fists for a while, and now it finally lobbed the fire out, hitting the boy squarely on the back. Artemis scowled; if he'd been anyone else, he'd have sworn loudly and creatively. He'd been hoping they could finish this before anyone got hurt.

Just after the goblin attacked, Butler loomed over and behind it for a brief (very brief) moment, before bringing a huge hand up to the goblin's neck. Artemis was at just the right angle to see the goblin's eyes cross before it dropped bonelessly to the ground.

He ventured out of his hiding place to better survey the damage, and got in contact with Holly simultaneously. "We've captured one goblin that was running around in public," he informed her calmly. "The goblin is unconscious now." No need to say that was due to Butler; some things are obvious without saying.

"Good," Holly said in relief. She'd been in the LEP long enough that killing on the job was distasteful to her. "Any complications?"

Artemis grimaced, even though there wasn't anything he could have done about it. "Yes. Numerous patrons from a restaurant saw the goblin. Also, one boy was attacked. We're checking his condition right now. You might need to perform a few mind wipes," he finished distastefully.

"Right." Holly also wasn't happy about it, but she wouldn't argue over his assessment of the situation. At least not until seeing things for herself. "Mulch and I will be there shortly."

By now Artemis had reached the boy who had been hit. The boy, oddly enough, didn't seem too injured. The yellow shirt had been singed (which only improved the color), but he appeared untouched. He sat up and groaned, awkwardly rubbing his back. Artemis wondered why the boy wasn't burnt. He asked, in a much kinder voice than he usually took with a stranger, "Are you alright?" He instantly wondered at his tone. It was because of the mystery, he promptly assured himself. And perhaps because the boy was close to his own age.

The boy looked at him. "I'm fine," he answered automatically. He whipped his head around. "Where'd that creature go?"

"The goblin has been subdued," Artemis answered calmly. He had no problem calling the creature a goblin in front of the boy. He'd be mind wiped soon, so it wasn't like he'd remember any of this conversation. "There's nothing to be afraid of now."

The other boy didn't seem to hear the second thing he'd said. "Goblin? That wasn't a goblin. And how would a Muggle know anything about goblins anyway?" The tone he said this in was very arrogant and knowledgeable. It wasn't a tone Artemis was used to hearing directed at him, much less by another teenager.

"Muggle?" he repeated the unfamiliar word aloud. It must be some new slang. Artemis would be the first to admit he didn't pay attention to those things.

But the boy turned pale as if he'd said something he shouldn't have. And it was, quite naturally, at that very moment that Holly arrived. She came flying in, dropping her shield just as she landed beside Artemis. She ran careful eyes over the boy. "He doesn't look injured," she noted. "Must've gotten lucky. Well, then, we can go straight to the mind wipe."

The boy's eyes went wide. His hand dove into his pocket and he pulled out a long stick of wood, which he pointed as if it were a weapon. Butler, having sixth and maybe seventh and eighth senses for danger, especially in regards to Artemis, was instantly hovering protectively in between the two boys.

"A house elf can't _oblivate_ a wizard," the boy said, trying to sound confidant, but Artemis could tell he was shaken. "It's against the magical creatures laws."

"House elf?" Holly growled, suddenly looking deeply offended. "And you're a wizard?" She also, to Artemis's mind, looked worried.

He knew now that a relatively simple round-up job had become much more complicated. He thought he felt a headache coming on. It was going to be a long day yet.

* * *

**Additional Notes:**

Artemis is not going to become a wizard. He's a Muggle and will remain a Muggle. It's not like he needs magic to be powerful, ya know?

The eventual pairing for this story is Draco/Artemis. It is, however, way in the future, as they are both young and both have a long way to go before they're emotionally mature enough. However, that is the direction I'm going in, so if that isn't your cup of tea, then don't read this.

If you like HP/AF crossovers, I have found two others that I like: The Family Name (and subsequent sequels) by Elbereth in April, and Kiss of Faith by CelinaFairy.

Characters appearing in this first portion of the story are rather limited. It will be read more like an Artemis Fowl story, with Draco being the sole HP character. Future parts will read more like a Harry Potter story, with Artemis being the sole AF character. So if you're impatient to see a favorite character, then you'll just have to wait a bit. I like to take my time with things.

New chapters will be posted at my LiveJournal ( qaddafidot livejournaldot com ) first, so if you're impatient, check there for progress reports and such. I do work and have something of a social life, so don't expect this to come out super fast.

Finally, I have a bad track record with multi-part stories, and I know I do. However, I do want to keep with this all the way to the bitter end. Any and all encouragement to this effect from readers will be appreciated. (Translation: please review! It really does help me write!)


	2. Rock, Meet Hard Place

**For Want of Magic**  
**Author:** Qaddafi the Ripper  
**Summary:** Harry Potter / Artemis Fowl crossover. While on summer vacation in Ireland, Draco Malfoy runs into a rouge B'wa Kell goblin. Soon he's neck deep in fairy and Muggle affairs.  
**Caveman Disclaimer:** Me not Rowling. Me not Colfer. You no sue. Artemis vampire-smile.

* * *

**Chapter Two:** Rock, Meet Hard Place 

Draco held his wand, trying not to shake so hard that his aim was worse than Lockhart's, but not with resounding success. That creature, which he swore looked like a house elf though an unusually well-dressed one, wanted to oblivate him. He realized, in the calmer, more rational part of his mind, that something was very strange here, but most of him was too busy wondering how he could defend himself.

"You said you were a wizard," the boy stated. Draco turned so he could see the boy past the large man in between them. The not-house elf and the man were both obviously dangerous. The not-house elf for the unknown danger she represented, and because she carried herself with a sort of casual confidence that only experienced people had. The man was even worse; Draco thought he might be about a thousand times stronger than both Crabbe and Goyle combined. Worst of all, since there were two of them, Draco could only, at best, take one down with a spell. Which would leave him open to an attack from the other.

As he continued to look at the third person confronting him, he thought perhaps the boy might be the most dangerous of all. He looked terribly calm, even though he didn't seem to have any way to defend himself. And his eyes were those of one who doesn't need weapons to be powerful. Draco shuddered; he'd only seen one person who had a look like that, and that was the Dark Lord himself.

"I am a wizard," he agreed, not lowering his wand. "And I'm an important one too. My father is influential in the Ministry."

"I've heard of human wizards," the not-house elf offered reluctantly. "There's quite a lot of them, according to Foaly. They hide from other humans and have their own separate culture and government. This kid must be one of them."

Draco drew himself up, gaining some courage (better to call it arrogance) from her dismissive tone. "You shouldn't take me lightly, whoever you are. Or you'll be sorry."

The not-house elf sighed. "We don't have time to deal with this now. Can you take him back to your place for now, Artemis? And take his wand, to be safe. Mulch and I will finish cleaning up around here."

The boy nodded. "That would be fine, Holly. Come, Butler. You carry our guest."

And Draco found himself hanging over the giant man's --Butler, as he'd been identified-- shoulder before he could even think to cast a spell. The boy, Artemis, followed, while the not-house elf, Holly, stayed behind with another figure Draco couldn't make out from upside down.

They reached one of those large Muggle contraption that Draco didn't know the name of. He was dropped unceremoniously in the back, while Butler and Artemis sat up front. Draco, furious at this treatment, reached for his wand, only to discover it was missing. He patted his clothes down frantically, searching, barely noticing that the carriage had begun to move.

Just when he was beginning to worry that he'd lost his wand, a cool voice asked, "Looking for this?" Draco looked up and saw the Muggle boy turned around to look at him, Draco's wand dangling from his pale fingers.

Draco scowled thunderously. "Give that back," he demanded. Just who did these people think they were, anyway?

"That isn't very polite. You could at least introduce yourself first." The boy paused but Draco remained stubbornly silent. "Very well, I will go first. I am Artemis Fowl the Second, and this," he indicated the large man at the wheel, "is my bodyguard, Butler."

Reluctantly, Draco reciprocated. "I'm Draco Malfoy. And if you weren't an ignorant Muggle, that would mean something to you and you'd let me go."

Artemis raised an eyebrow calmly. Draco decided he should be a bit more polite. After all, he had no way to defend himself, and there was something, he couldn't put his finger on what precisely, disturbing about Artemis. "Muggle," Artemis murmured. "You said once before. What does it mean?"

Answering him would cost him nothing. "It means people without magic. Non-wizards," he explained.

"I see. And, among wizards, you are someone very important?"

"Yes. The Minister of Magic is always asking my father for advice. The Malfoys are one of the richest and oldest families in Britain."

Artemis turned to his companion. "Did you hear that, Butler? There's a Minister of Magic."

"Fascinating," the large man replied blandly.

Artemis turned back to Draco. "Why was the son of such an important magical family wandering around alone in an area that is, to the best of my admittedly incomplete knowledge, without magic?"

Draco knew that he had been right to think Artemis was dangerous. He knew, or guessed, too much too easily. He wondered briefly if all Muggles were like this, or if Artemis was an exception. No, he thought, they couldn't all be like this, or Muggles would have discovered wizards a long time ago. "My family is on vacation in the area," he finally answered. "I thought I'd see the local town by myself. I've never been in an all-Muggle town before." Artemis looked satisfied with his answers for the moment, so Draco decided to ask a question of his own.

"What were you doing there, and who was that hous-- er, other person?"

"That 'other person' was Holly, an elf. She used to be a member of the Lower Elements Police, but resigned because her superior office was an idiot." The way that Artemis said idiot made it clear he shared Holly's assessment of this superior officer. "She is now a private detective. She heard about a group of goblins, all renegades from the B'wa Kell tribe, had escaped in this area. She asked Butler and I to help her round them up."

Lower Elements Police meant nothing to Draco, nor did B'wa Kell, but he didn't want to ask for fear of looking stupid. He never liked looking dumb in front of other people, and he especially didn't want that in front of Muggles. He looked at Artemis and wondered if the other boy could guess he that he didn't know.

"So if you're a wizard, I take it you can do magic?" Artemis asked casually.

"Naturally. If you give me my wand back, I'd be happy to demonstrate." Draco held his hand out hopefully.

Artemis twirled it between his fingers. "Nice try," he replied dryly. "A few descriptions will do."

Draco sighed. "I didn't really think that would work. Some spells that I can do, hmmm..." he considered for a moment, wondering what he should admit to and what he shouldn't admit to.

"Well, one of the favorites around school is Alohomora. It can open locked doors. Another is Expelliarmus, which is used to disarm a person." He glanced at Butler. "Disarm a person of their wand, at least," he clarified.

As he paused to think of another spell to share, Artemis said, "You mentioned a school. It is some school at which you learn magic?"

"Yes, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I've just finished my fourth year there. It's the most prestigious magic school in Europe, even though the Headmaster's an idiot."

"Oh?"

"Dumbledore is an insane old coot, and a Muggle-lover, and..." Draco trailed off when he remembered that he was talking to a Muggle. After a few moments, he noticed that the car had stopped. He looked out the window.

"Welcome to Fowl Manor, Draco Malfoy," Artemis said, every inch the gracious host. Draco followed him out of the car and up to the door. Butler trailed behind, his eyes missing nothing. Fowl Manor was, as far as Draco could tell, every bit as large as the Malfoy estate. As he'd expected, these were powerful Muggles he'd fallen in with.

The inside of the manor was distinctly odd to Draco's eyes. None of the pictures moved, and the suit of armor stood still as if it never moved. How boring it must be to be a Muggle! Artemis led him into a sitting room, Butler following close on Draco's heels. "Holly and Mulch should be here shortly," Artemis observed. "In the meantime, would you like some tea?"

Draco frowned. "Yes," he replied shortly. Accepting hospitality from a Muggle; he'd better make sure his father never heard of this. Artemis poured two cups; Butler, leaning against the doorframe with his gun (though Draco didn't know what it was, he guessed it was a weapon) in hand, didn't join them. Draco waited until Artemis took a sip before he drank. He wouldn't put it past Muggles to try and poison him somehow. And anyway, how exactly did they plan to do this "mind wipe" that they'd been talking about? He needed to be on his guard if he wanted to get out of this place in one piece.

After some time, he reached out for the plate and picked up a biscuit to nibble on, since Artemis had taken one also. He wrinkled his nose at the taste; Muggle food should not be so good. Before he could finish, the door opened and two people walked in. The first was Holly, who was looking satisfied at a job well done. Behind her was someone very different indeed.

The very short man walked right up and started cramming biscuits into his mouth almost faster than he could chew them. Draco pulled as far away from him as far as his chair allowed. The little man turned and gave him a grin that didn't comfort Draco at all. "You get fed before we wipe your mind," he said. "Lucky you."

This must be the Mulch fellow that had been mentioned earlier, Draco reasoned. Was he another elf, or something else entirely? Mulch belched softly (by his terms, at least), and Draco decided he didn't care what kind of creature Mulch was. Whatever he was, he was revolting and clearly uncivilized!

Holly sat down on the remaining chair. She looked directly at Draco. "This is the first time I've ever met a human wizard," she admitted frankly. "I heard about them a few times before, but I'd never really paid it much attention. Fortunately, Foaly is curious about everything and was willing to give me some information. These human wizards, as they call themselves, have been around for some time, according to Foaly," she continued to Artemis. "We escaped humans by going under ground a long time ago. Humans never really got along with us. We thought to invite human wizards to join us, but it was decided they would only be trouble. So they stayed up here, but it wasn't long before the other Mud Men, who couldn't use magic, started using and abusing the wizards. So they eventually went into hiding too, which is where they are to this day.

"There were a few creatures with magic who also didn't leave with us. They stayed here and, I guess, eventually went into hiding with the Mud Men wizards. One of the variety of elves stayed too, and that's probably where the 'house elves' the kid," she nodded briefly in Draco's direction, "mentioned earlier came from. There were a number of other creatures too, some of which also called themselves goblins." Holly shrugged. "That's all I got from Foaly. I could ask more, but since I think it's safe to just mind wipe the kid, it hardly matters."

"What?" Draco protested loudly. "You can't just erase my memories! My father is an important man! You'll never get away with it!"

"With your mid wiped, you won't know to accuse us of anything," Mulch chuckled. The tray of biscuits was empty, so he wandered off to the kitchen to find more food.

"I wasn't finished yet," Holly told Draco crossly. "I don't really care about your wizard society or your memories. But I do need to take care of these goblins, and quickly. It's only a matter of time before they cause some real trouble. Furthermore, we're a little short-handed here, and the goblins are spread all across Ireland. So, as I was going to say, I might be willing to forego the mind wipe if you use your magic to help us out a bit."

Draco scowled. "That's blackmail," he accused.

Holly shrugged. "That's the way things are. Either help out, or suffer the consequences."

"I haven't done anything wrong, and you're treating me like some kind of criminal!" Draco hollered, livid with rage.

"You were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Deal with it."

"Forget it," Draco spat. "There's no way I'm helping you. I want nothing to do with you people."

Holly threw up her hands in exasperation and marched out of the room, muttering a few creative swears in gnomish under her breath. The room seemed unnaturally quiet after her departure. "Why don't you want to help?" Artemis asked, curious.

"I will not be manipulated," Draco snarled at him. "Anyway, none of this has anything to do with me. These goblins are no threat to wizards."

"You didn't fare very well earlier," Artemis noted coolly.

Draco whirled on him, his temper rising further. "I was taken by surprise!" he yelled. "If I'd known what was coming, I could have defended myself just fine!"

"Losers always have some excuse," Artemis countered.

"Shut up! What do you know anyway? You're just a filthy Muggle!" In his anger and pride, Draco didn't think to watch his words, or remember that he, and his memories, were in these people's power.

Artemis scowled. "Perhaps I am merely a 'filthy Muggle,' but you are a wizard without his wand." He held up Draco's wand to underscore his point. "Promise to help, and I'll give it back. If you do actually help, I'll make sure Holly does not mind wipe you. Otherwise..." he trailed off, not needing to finish the threat.

Draco fumed, but realized he was defeated. "Oh, very well," he grumbled, a sore loser. "I promise to help. Now give me my wand back." Artemis held it out and Draco snatched it up, finally beginning to feel comfortable when it was back with him. "You," he sneered at Artemis, "are a manipulative, annoying little brat."

"And you," Artemis retorted coldly, with equal stubbornness, "are a prejudiced, stuck-up coward. So I suppose that makes us even."

* * *

The author is still searching for a beta reader, preferably one familliar with both canons, but at least with Artemis Fowl (since the author feels more comfortable writing Harry Potter than Artemis Fowl). 

Thanks to Redbowties, Nota Lone (even though you don't like slash), loonygrl90, and GredandForgeWeasley (love the name; this chapter should answer most of your questions) for reviewing chapter one.


	3. Heroic Muggle Rescue

**For Want of Magic**  
**Author:** Qaddafi the Ripper  
**Summary:** Harry Potter / Artemis Fowl crossover. While on summer vacation in Ireland, Draco Malfoy runs into a rouge B'wa Kell goblin. Soon he's neck deep in fairy and Muggle affairs.  
**Caveman Disclaimer:** Me not Rowling. Me not Colfer. You no sue. Holly short (puns good).

* * *

**Chapter 3:** Heroic Muggle Rescue 

Butler leaned back in his chair, absently polishing his gun. It was something to do with his hands while he thought. He wondered vaguely if it was becoming a bad habit. Things had started off so simply, but had somehow become far more complicated -- as things had a tendency to do around Artemis. Rounding up a few stray goblins, that wouldn't be a problem. And he enjoyed Holly's company, as well as, admittedly to a lesser extent, Mulch's.

The problem was that boy they'd inadvertently picked up along the way. Butler wasn't sure what he thought of humans who could use magic, but he supposed if Holly and Foaly both said it was true, then he believed it. The boy certainly believed it, and Butler thought he might want to see a demonstration of this magic (purely so that he knew how it could best be used in battle, of course).

A shame the boy wasn't more cooperative. A little extra magic wouldn't hurt, and Butler could admit to himself that he was curious what human magic could do. He already knew all about fairy magic, and how to combat it. The soldier inside of him wanted to know how to beat this new magic, even if he knew Artemis wouldn't knowingly let him near a fire-fight.

What was perhaps the most fascinating was the way Artemis had reacted to the other boy's attitude. The kid was a stuck-up snot, but Butler couldn't remember ever meeting someone else who could get under Artemis's skin so easily. For Artemis to react to anyone with such obvious annoyance, almost anger really, was nothing short of amazing.

He guessed it was the contempt. It was something Artemis had never had directed at him, much less by someone his own age. Besides that, thinking less of someone because they couldn't do magic was basically racism, or something very similar to it. Artemis, like himself, had never been subject to racist comments before, so it came as a shock.

Perhaps he should be glad Artemis got mad. Surely losing his temper was proof of Artemis's continued emotional maturation. Everyone else lost their temper at some point, and by losing it learned how to deal with it. Artemis, who had never blown up at anyone before, didn't quite know how to deal with the emotion.

Ever since they'd first run into the fairies, Artemis had slowly begun to learn emotion, and compassion. If he kept learning new emotions at this rate, Artemis might be acting buddy-buddy with classmates by the time he was twenty.

For now though, he thought he'd just lean back and watch Mulch torment the self-proclaimed wizard. Things were working out to be very interesting, and he just hoped they wouldn't try to keep him out of the action.

* * *

Draco had never met a dwarf. Now, having met one, he sincerely wished he never had. This... Mulch character was the most barbaric creature he'd ever come across, and that included those hideous beasts he'd had to put up with in Care of Magical Creatures, even the Blast-Ended Skrewts. 

Mulch laid a map across the table. It consisted of Ireland, with little red X's marked across it. Draco glared at it, determinedly keeping his face devoid of any sign of interest. The dwarf was waiting for him to ask what it meant so the disgusting little thing could act superior to him. Well, _that_ wasn't going to be happening anytime soon!

The elf, Holly, finally came back from what Draco considered her temper-tantrum, joining Draco, Mulch, Butler, and Artemis at the table. Draco thought it was awfully childish of her to walk out on him like that, just because he didn't care enough to help her. "I hear you've finally decided to be reasonable," she said to him in an acidic tone.

Draco turned so he could only see her out of the corner of his eye, and lifted his head. "I realized that you wouldn't be able to do anything without my help," he told her arrogantly. "I decided to help you out."

Mulch snickered, pausing from his meal of chips. "More like _you_ couldn't do anything without _us_." Draco turned and gave him a filthy look.

Holly sighed. "Whatever. Let's get down to business." She pointed at the map on the table. "Are these all of them, Mulch?" she asked in a business-like tone.

"Yep," Mulch agreed, then paused to burp softly. The table beside him was littered with food and left-over wrappers from food he'd already demolished. "There's seven more goblins total, and I've tracked down all of them." _That must be what the X's on the map are for,_ Draco guessed.

"Right. Since we want to get this over with as soon as possible, let's split up." Holly surveyed their little group carefully, deliberating for some time. "Artemis, do you think you can keep our new _friend_ out of trouble?"

Draco scowled at the way she'd said friend. Annoying creature, she actually thought she was better than him. He caught Artemis giving him an appraising look. "I think so," he offered calmly. He'd managed to restore his previous calm shortly after Draco had insulted him. It was a bit disappointing; after dealing with Weasley and Potter at school, Draco was used to people getting furious, and staying that way, after he insulted him. He would obviously have to try harder if he wanted to get under Artemis's skin. Only, did he really want to do that? It might be nice to be thought highly of by someone dangerous like Artemis. Merlin knew no dangerous people thought anything at all of him currently.

"Good. Then we'll split up into two groups: myself and Butler, and Mulch, Artemis, and the brat."

Butler frowned at the way they were splitting up. "There should be at least one fairy in each group," Artemis pointed out kindly. "Don't worry, Butler. I'll be fine with Mulch."

After giving the dwarf a long, appraising look, Butler muttered, "Very well." He slouched slightly against the door frame, wishing there was a better way to split up. Even better would be if they didn't have to split up at all.

Seeing no further objections to how they'd arrange their meager forces, Holly continued, "Keep in contact and try not to get hurt." Holly was all very military about the whole thing. Clearly going private hadn't changed her outlook on things. She pointed to three of the X's that were north of the Manor. "We'll take these three and you can have the other four. Mulch, try to drive safely for once," she added in exasperation.

And that, apparently, was all that needed to be said in order to get things moving. Despite himself, Draco was a little impressed. Having spent a good amount of time around the Ministry with his father, he gathered that even Aurors took a good bit of time organizing themselves for a mission.

Then he remembered that he'd been teamed with that smelly, ugly dwarf and Artemis, around whom he probably couldn't get away with even thinking about causing trouble. His mood plummeted. He barely noticed the trek down to the garage, or Butler handing a set of keys to Mulch with a very firm "be careful."

The car was, naturally, very expensive and comfortable, neither of which Draco noticed, or would have acknowledged even if he had. He did notice, however, that Mulch at the wheel looked positively gleeful. His stomach began to quiver in anticipated horror. This was going to be bad.

"Holly said you should drive safely for once," Artemis commented calmly. Draco felt a fleeting sense of jealousy, as he didn't think he could have spoken so calmly. "Should I be worried?"

"Don't worry," Mulch replied cavalierly. "I'll take care with you." But his smile was still far too broad for comfort.

As the car roared down the driveway and out into the street, Draco decided he should have taken Divination for an elective. He'd been right in thinking the ride would be horrifying. Mulch went far faster than a broomstick, or even the carts at Gringotts. And Draco had no confidence in the safety of this metal Muggle contraption. He lay miserably in the back seat, eyes firmly shut, and holding onto the upholstery for dear life.

Had he had the presence of mind to open his eyes, he would have noticed that Artemis had turned rather green too. Mulch merely zipped around another turn at speeds far exceeding the posted limit, having far too much fun.

It was close to an hour later when the car screeched to an abrupt halt. Draco groaned and sagged down, loosening his grip on the back seat. "I am never getting in one of these ever again," he declared firmly.

Artemis climbed out of the car, just a tad shakily. "You'll have to," he told Draco, sympathetic from shared misery, though Draco couldn't tell from his tone of voice. "Next time, Mulch, I don't think we're in _quite_ that much of a hurry."

Mulch pouted, not an expression a dwarf face was meant to wear. "You're ruining all my fun, Artemis." He pulled out a piece of equipment Draco couldn't identify in a million years. "The goblin's not far from here. Come on."

Draco opened his eyes and saw the other two were entirely willing to leave him behind. He scowled and rapidly debated with himself. On the one hand, he had no interest in dealing with any goblins. Mulch and Artemis didn't look like they'd need his help anyway. He could easily remain in this abominable contraption and suffer nobly through the whole affair. On the other hand, he didn't want to spend any more time than necessary in this car. Also, if he did help out (just a little bit, of course), then maybe Artemis could convince Holly not to _obliviate_ (or whatever term they used for it) him. He thought Artemis could be trusted to hold up his end of the bargain.

Reluctantly, he pulled himself up, crawled out of the car, and stumbled after the other two. Artemis glanced back and gave a rather fanged smiled. The expression clearly said "I knew you'd come with." Draco glowered furiously, but didn't turn back around. He'd show that Muggle and defeat the stupid goblin with one spell!

They were in a campground, and fortunately this part of it was deserted today. Mulch held a fairy gun (a Neutrino 2000, to be precise) in his hand as he stalked calmly forward. Draco came next, his wand out and ready. Artemis took the rear, a smaller gun in his hand, though he had no intention of using it unless things really got crazy.

The goblin was in a clearing, staring down at its reflection. It cocked its head to the side and smoothed its outfit, posing. _It's preening,_ Draco realized in shock. Not that any amount of grooming could ever make a goblin look good, but then beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It was completely oblivious to their approach.

Draco stepped forward with a smirk, wand raised. Mulch looked at him doubtfully but didn't try to stop him. With a casual twist of his wrist, Draco called out, "Petrificus totalus!" The spell should have caused the goblin to stiffen and topple over where it stood. That was not, however, what actually happened.

Goblins are nature's little practical joke. They have so many natural advantages that only their incredible idiocy can balance them out. Besides being able to generate fire, they are impervious to most types of magic. They are especially strong against the hypnotic _mesmer_, although it has been argued that this is simply because they're so stupid.

Petrificus totalus is a spell that effects the body of the one its cast on. Due to their tough, leathery hide, goblins are naturally immune to the spell. Unfortunately, Draco didn't know this and Mulch hadn't thought (or chose not) to give him any specifics on how magic effects goblins.

After the failed attack, the goblin stood, turned around, and glared at its attacker. Draco gaped in horror. His spell had no effect on the creature at all! How was that possible? In his shock, he didn't notice that the goblin was throwing a fireball at him in retaliation.

He felt himself jerked back and something very hot went past his face, searing him with its heat but not actually touching him. As he stumbled back, he managed to notice as Mulch raised his gun. The dwarf calmly aimed at the goblin and let burst a shot. He scored a direct hit and the goblin fell over, knocked out. (It had been understood from the start that guns would be at lower settings, so as to knock unconscious and not kill.)

Draco turned and saw that Artemis was gripping his upper arm and a good deal of his shirt. The other boy had rescued him from danger. He stared in amazement. No one that he could remember had ever saved him from danger before. At that moment, he thought Artemis was the most incredible, most heroic, and bravest person he'd ever met.

"Goblins are immune to most magic," Artemis informed him, releasing him.

Draco straightened shakily. Battling like this just wasn't his thing. "Why didn't you tell me earlier?" he demanded.

"I didn't know what you were going to do," Artemis pointed out. "You never mentioned that 'petrificus totalus' spell earlier."

"I only told you about easy spells," Draco admitted. In the euphoria gripping him at the moment, he would have gladly told Artemis anything. He was distracted from telling everything by Mulch.

"Hey!" the dwarf called, struggling to lift the unconscious goblin. "This thing's heavy! Help me out!"

Draco grinned at Artemis, who seemed surprised by the friendliness of the expression. "Watch this." He turned to the goblin. "Mobilicorpus!" he called. The goblin's body lifted up from the ground and floated slowly towards Draco and Artemis. Mulch followed, looking grumpy.

"You could have done that earlier," he grumbled. Draco ignored him, looking only at Artemis, who seemed slightly impressed by the magic. He decided then that there were few lengths he wouldn't go to to see that expression on Artemis's face a second time, or better yet, to see him even more impressed. Draco wondered what spell he could try on the next goblin.

It wasn't until much later, when Mulch was stuffing the unconscious goblin into the trunk of the car (the trunk was never meant to fit a goblin, so it was taking some time), that he remembered he ought to resent a Muggle for saving his life.

* * *

Thanks to Harry Potter Ninja, poppiecake, Marie Terensky, Ph33r the island ona, Meg111, celinafairy, ophite68, and wlng0 for reviewing. 

Question: Is the Neutrino 2000 the latest fairy model at this point? I don't feel like looking it up right now, and haven't found a good on-line reference for AF. This is why I need to beta reader. (hint, hint.)


	4. Motivating Power of Self Preservation

**For Want of Magic**  
**Author:** Qaddafi the Ripper  
**Summary:** Harry Potter / Artemis Fowl crossover. While on summer vacation in Ireland, Draco Malfoy runs into a rouge B'wa Kell goblin. Soon he's neck deep in fairy and Muggle affairs.  
**Caveman Disclaimer:** Me not Rowling. Me not Colfer. You no sue. Mulch power-fart.

* * *

**Chapter 4:** The Motivating Power of Self Preservation 

Artemis activated the scanner on his helmet to check the location of the remaining goblins. Good; none of them had moved far from where they'd been before. He noticed Draco inch closer to him. "What is that?" the other boy asked.

"It's a scanner that can show where the goblins are," Artemis replied distractedly. They could reach the next closest one in under an hour. Actually, it'd be closer to thirty minutes, considering how Mulch drove. Not exactly a prospect Artemis was looking forward to; he made a note not to tell Butler any of the details, lest his bodyguard do something... _permanent_ to the dwarf.

"And it shows _exactly_ where the goblins are _right now_? Amazing," Draco continued. "I never thought Muggles could come up with something like that."

"'Muggles' didn't come up with this," Artemis replied, carefully emphasizing Draco's terminology. "The fairies did. I just modified it so it'd be easier to use."

"Oh. Well. Of course Muggles couldn't come up with something like that. But it's incredible that _you_ managed to figure it out, Artemis." Draco's tone changed considerably on the last sentence, going from rude and condescending to a tone Artemis could only describe as 'suck-up.' He frowned; having people suck up to him was not an experience he was used to. It would be nice coming from an adult, but from someone his age it just seemed strange.

The car trunk finally slammed down when Mulch sat on it. "Alright!" he said brightly. "We're ready to go! Artemis can direct me to the next one." He hopped into the driver's seat, Artemis and Draco joining him in the car with considerably less zeal. Fortunately, with Mulch having to rely on Artemis for directions, his driving this time wasn't _quite_ as hectic -- quite being a relative term.

Draco, at least, found he'd become a bit more used to the unusual vehicle, or enough that he could still pay attention to what was being said in the front seat. "We might have room in the trunk for another goblin," Mulch said, "but not any more than that."

Artemis made a faint sound of annoyance (or perhaps of fear as Mulch screeched around a bend). "Well, we can't just leave them. A shame we don't have any trucks." And he made another mental note to look into getting one in the near future.

Mulch swiveled his head around to give Draco an evil grin. "We'll have to put the others in the back with the brat," he said.

"Oh no you won't!" Draco protested.

"They'll be unconscious," Artemis pointed out, trying to placate him.

"I don't care," Draco retorted stubbornly. There was no way at all that he was going to get roped into riding next to some unconscious creature.

"The kid's scared of the goblin waking up," Mulch guessed. "He doesn't think he could handle one all by himself." Even though his face was pointed back towards the road, Draco could hear the smirk in his tone.

"We'll make sure the goblin stays unconscious--" Artemis began in a soothing tone.

"I am _not_ afraid," Draco snapped, interrupting him. "Fine. I'll sit with a goblin if you need me to." He glared and slumped back in his seat, crossing his arms across his chest in a distinctly pouting posture. Just how many times had he already been forced to change his mind today? He stared out of the window as he counted, becoming increasingly annoyed. He should have never left the hotel. Even getting close to Muggles was bad business, and today's events just proved it.

Looking out the window, he noticed the scenery was going past fairly fast. "This carriage moves fast," he noted aloud.

Artemis twisted around in his seat to give Draco a surprised look. "It's a car, not a carriage," he corrected.

Draco scowled. "Whatever. It's not like I've ever been in one before."

"What do wizards use, then?" Artemis asked, curious. "Broomsticks?"

"Sometimes, but mostly just for Quidditch." Draco saw Artemis's blank look and explained, "It's a sport. I play seeker for my house at school. I'm very good."

Artemis looked intrigued. "You play a game on broomsticks? Is it hard?"

"Not for someone as talented as me," Draco replied, heedless of his pretentious tone. "_You_ might have a harder time."

"Considering that I'm not a wizard, that would hardly surprise me," Artemis said dryly. Then he shrugged. "I'm not much for sports, though. Tell me more about wizards."

"Sure," Draco said agreeably. He started out with international Quidditch teams and went from there. He didn't think that he shouldn't be telling a Muggle these sorts of things, especially since it didn't look like Artemis was going to get _obliviated_ when all this insanity was over with. Besides, he'd gotten the impression that the fairies liked to stay hidden too. Artemis and Butler had both known about them for a while, but it didn't sound like they'd told anyone. So Draco thought they might keep wizards a secret too.

Besides that, a part of him liked very much the way Artemis listened intently as he talked, as if what he was saying was the most interesting thing Artemis had ever heard. It was a heady feeling, and not one Draco wanted to give up soon.

Before too long, the car pulled into a suburban area. They passed some children outside playing since it was summer vacation. Mulch drove slowly as they drove closer to where the goblin was. He glanced at the children and scowled. "Great. Witnesses. That's the last thing we need. Holly's got the equipment for mind wipes," he added to Artemis.

"I can take care of that for you, if you want," Draco offered a bit hesitantly. He held up his wand to make his point. "In case anyone does see us."

"Saving your own bacon, I see," Mulch chuckled.

"Thank you," Artemis said. "That's very helpful, though I hope we won't need it."

Draco grinned and twirled his wand. "No problem."

After a few more turns, they were near the edge of the area. They parked the car and climbed out to track the goblin on foot. Once again Mulch took the lead and Artemis the rear. Draco found himself looking around every which way cautiously; since this was a Muggle neighborhood, Draco didn't know what was out of place and what wasn't. He'd only know he'd spotted something suspicious if he saw the actual goblin.

He gripped his wand tighter. Artemis had said magic didn't work well on goblins, but his levitation spell had worked. He guessed most of his curses, hexes, and jinxes would be useless though. In that case, what could he use? He started cataloging possible spells and whether they might work as the group continued walking.

Mulch stopped abruptly, flinging out a hand to stop the boys too. He nodded towards an alley just in front of him. "About twenty meters deep. Wall at far end. Garbage on the right. Goblin next to garbage," he whispered.

Artemis nodded. "You two go in," he whispered back. "Mulch aims low, Draco aims high. I'll cover you. Ready?" He held out his own weapon. Mulch raised his gun as well. Draco shifted and adjusted his grip on his wand before nodding. "Go!" Artemis hissed.

Mulch sprang around the corner, Draco hot on his heels. The goblin looked up in surprise as they dashed towards it. Mulch fired as soon as he had a clear shot. Unfortunately, the goblin had been rooting through the garbage dumpster, and Mulch's shot pinged harmlessly off the metal. The goblin glared and started charging up some fire in its hands.

Mulch swore at having missed his shot, and his chance to finish this quickly and easily. He let lose another fast shot, but he hadn't had a chance to aim properly and it hit the wall above the goblin's head. The goblin threw its fireball directly at Mulch.

The alley was very narrow and the fireball was wide. In bare seconds, it would hit Mulch, who didn't have enough room to dodge. At best, he could hope the fireball would only hit part of him if he got lucky. In the short time between when the goblin sent the fireball and before it hit anything, Draco realized all this. He didn't like Mulch, and had no real intention of helping him. But he subconsciously thought the fireball would probably hit him too. So, without really thinking things through, he lifted his wand.

"Protego!" he cried as fast as he could. Nothing visible happened, but the fireball crashed into something just short of hitting Mulch. Draco had successfully cast the shield charm in time.

The goblin and Mulch both stared dumbly, equally surprised that Mulch was uninjured. Draco wasn't much better. He found himself pleasantly surprised that his reflexes were up to battling. _It's my Slytherin instincts,_ he thought. _Always cover your own arse._

As the three in the alley stood still for a few more heartbeats, from behind them Artemis cried, "Shoot him!"

Mulch quickly shook himself out of his stupor, aimed his gun, and shot the goblin clear in the gut. The creature slumped to the ground just as it was beginning to prepare its own shot. The fight was over.

Draco collapsed against the wall with an explosive sigh. It was mere seconds after the fracas had started, but it felt like an hour at least. He hadn't really thought anything could be more tiring than Quidditch. Last time, he hadn't really been thinking. He'd been so confident that one spell could take the goblin down that he hadn't thought of anything else, including the consequences in case he was wrong. This time he'd known what sort of danger he was in, and that Artemis wasn't close enough to pull him back from another fireball.

But he'd successfully defended himself, and Mulch too. It was surprisingly satisfying. He grinned, his blood pumping madly through his veins again, but from the thrill of victory now instead of the terror of battle. "We did it!" he gasped.

Mulch turned and grinned back at him. "That we did," he agreed. For the first time, he was looking at Draco as if he liked him. "You saved me there, kid," he said. "Thanks."

Draco flushed in pleasure. He thought fleetingly of Harry Potter, who was obsessed with helping people. He'd never realized that doing so felt so good to the one doing the rescuing. Maybe he should do this more often. "No problem," he replied, unusually generous. Doubtless he'd have something different to say in a few minutes, but for now he merely savored the moment.

He willingly levitated the unconscious goblin back to the car where, in a far greater effort than before, Mulch managed to shove it into the trunk alongside the first. "Just two more for us," he said merrily as he shut the trunk with more force than was probably necessary. Draco heard a dull thunk, and couldn't help but wonder if that was the sound of metal hitting goblin, and winning.

After the briefest moment of hesitation, Draco tugged Artemis into the back seat with him. Artemis raised an eyebrow, but didn't try to fight him. Mulch revved up the motor and made his way back out through the village.

Draco leaned closer to Artemis. "Back there," he started uncertainly. "I did a good job." The way he said it made it sound more like a question, and he mentally cursed his hesitance. It was very unlike him, but then, he'd done many things unlike himself today. And the day was hardly over yet. He suddenly wondered if they'd finish up their little crusade against all things reptilian before his parents got back to the inn.

"You did an excellent job," Artemis confirmed. "I didn't think you'd ever be that useful, what with your attitude. However, you did exactly what was needed, and probably saved Mulch's life." He gave Draco a surprisingly warm smile that made Draco's stomach contort in strange ways. "I'm glad you're here with us."

"Thanks," Draco murmured. Then, if only to bring the conversation around to a subject that wouldn't cause his face to feel like it was on fire, he asked, "What time is it?"

Artemis glanced at his watch. "Just before fifteen. Why?"

"Well..." Draco rubbed his arm self-consciously. "This morning, I left without telling my parents I was going anywhere. They're off together today, and if they get back and I'm not there, they'll worry. I think Father said they should be back around dinner time."

"That should give you another two hours at least." Artemis picked up his fairy helmet to check on the remaining goblins' locations. "The last two are near each other, and not too far from the town we picked you up in. We should be able to get you back in time if nothing goes wrong."

Draco felt a subtle tension seep out of him. "That's good. You see, my parents don't like Muggles, and they'd be angry if they knew I'd met some and spent the day with them."

"That must be where you get the attitude from," Artemis remarked dryly.

Draco felt himself flushing again. "Yeah, I guess." He paused, then decided Artemis probably wouldn't think any less of him if he said more. "Before you, I'd never met any Muggles. I've seen some from a distance, but I've never talked to any. At school, there are lots of Mudbloo-- er, Muggleborn students. They all try to pretend they know everything about the wizarding world, or they never try to learn anything about it. Both types are annoying. I guess... since I've never met Muggles and don't get along with any Muggleborns, I just assumed my parents were right about them."

"And what do you think now?" Artemis asked neutrally.

"Don't get mad, but I hardly think most Muggles are like you. So I'm not about to go saying that I was all wrong and Muggles are wonderful. But I think, maybe, that Muggles might be just like wizards, only without magic."

"That's a very mature conclusion. Some years ago, I discovered that fairies, too, aren't so very different from humans. We might all get along better if we remembered that." Artemis paused. "Not that I'm any one to go preaching about unity and acceptance. I steal from everyone equally, but that's hardly a role-model."

Draco snorted. "I'll agree to that. People are all morons, no matter what kind of people they are."

"I heard that," Mulch growled from the front.

"We weren't including you in that generalization," Artemis assured him. "As an expert thief, naturally you're above the general populace."

"Good," Mulch grunted and turned his attention back to the road. Artemis and Draco, to Draco's delight, shared a brief look of faint amusement over the dwarf's personality.

* * *

Notes: fifteen o'clock is three pm.  
Thanks to Ginny Gal, maliaphire, HPN Padfoot HPN, Marie Terensky, and hogwartscharmed1 for reviewing.

Sorry for the wait, got distracted by book 11 of the Wheel of Time. Chapter 5 is shaping up to be fairly long, but should be up soon. In other news, I am taking fanfic requests. See my profile for the link.


	5. Useless Dueling Spells

**For Want of Magic**  
**Author:** Qaddafi the Ripper  
**Summary:** Harry Potter / Artemis Fowl crossover. While on summer vacation in Ireland, Draco Malfoy runs into a rouge B'wa Kell goblin. Soon he's neck deep in fairy and Muggle affairs.  
**Caveman Disclaimer:** Me not Rowling. Me not Colfer. You no sue. Butler bald bodyguard.

* * *

**Chapter 5:** Useless Dueling Spells 

"The last two have joined up," Artemis said, fiddling with his scanner. "We'll have to take care of both at the same time."

Draco frowned. "Won't that be difficult?" he asked. Taking care of single goblins had been plenty enough trouble thus far.

"Indeed," Artemis nodded. "What spells do you know that might be helpful?"

"Just how much are goblins immune to?" Draco countered.

Artemis considered. "From what I have heard, goblins are immune to most direct attacks. There might be a few spells that can work against them, but I don't know what those spells are. Mulch?"

The dwarf shook his head. "Can't help you. I've never taken much of an interest in goblins."

"Then we'll have to go on that," Draco concluded. "What sort of spells can I use?"

"Spells that do not directly effect the goblins," Artemis replied promptly. "For example, if you made a bright light with magic, that should still be enough to blind a goblin. If you make the ground move under its feet, that might be enough to make the goblin lose its balance. That protego spell of yours will certainly come in handy."

"I see..." Draco murmured, beginning to understand Artemis's thoughts. "Well, I do know a spell to make light, so that's covered." The Conjuctivitis Curse would work if Lumos wasn't enough. "Unfortunately, I don't know any spells to make the ground move. If I want someone to fall over, I usually just freeze them where they stand." He mentally began to review every spell he'd ever learned. It occurred to him that most of the magic taught at Hogwarts was not much good for real combat. That was probably because Dumbledore was the Headmaster; if he'd gone to Durmstrang, he might have known some better spells. True, his parents had also taught him many useful hexes and jinxes, and a handful of spells that the Ministry would categorize as Dark Magic. Most of those spells, however, directly effected the person hit, and so probably wouldn't be any good against a goblin.

"I could use the Banishing Charm," he thought aloud. "That causes the person you hit to move away from you. It might be enough to knock a goblin over. I could probably get a similar effect with the Reductor Curse. I might also try a binding spell to tie them up, but I need something to tie them with. I could try Counfunding them; they'd be easier to hit with your things--" he gestured at Artemis's gun, not attempting to remember the proper word. "--if they're confused. I could use Impedimenta to slow it down, probably. I could start a fire with Incedio--"

"Definitely not," Artemis cut him off. "Goblins are fireproof. That's the last spell you want to use."

"Oh, right. I should have thought of that. Um, what else?" He ran through every spell he'd ever learned, trying to think which might be good in a duel where he couldn't hit his opponent directly. Finally, he was forced to shake his head. "There are probably more, but I can't think of any. Sorry, Hogwarts doesn't teach dueling."

Artemis sighed. "That's too bad. I was hoping there would be more we could use. Well, you'll have to do what you can with those spells."

The car sank into silence for the rest of the drive, Draco deciding that he would certainly learn as many dueling spells as he possibly could from his father during the remainder of the summer. He wouldn't be stuck in this predicament ever again. After many minutes of silence, they were almost at their destination.

"We're almost there," Artemis said after checking his scanner again. "We'll try to make this as fast as possible to avoid complications. Mulch, you take point again. Draco, follow him up and keep in mind those spells we just talked about. If it comes to it, though, defend us before you worry about attacking. I'll cover your backs and decide if we need to change tactics midway. Is that acceptable?"

"Sure," Mulch said from the front. Draco just nodded. He was feeling a bit antsy, like before a major Quidditch match. Then, he had his team to back him up, and he was confident in his skills as a Seeker, even though Harry Potter always managed to beat him. This, though, was different from a game. There were no teachers to step in if things got messy. There were no teammates he'd known for years. There was no comforting broomstick between his legs.

Perhaps, though, there were a few things he could depend on. He was good at magic, and knew many spells, and he knew it. Even though the spells he could use now would be limited, he knew what those spells were and could (hopefully) think through his options carefully. While his Slytherin teammates weren't here, he did have Artemis and Mulch. If he was being honest with himself, he'd admit that a Slytherin was a bad person to have guarding your back, as he'd be more worried about his own safety than helping you. As for Artemis and Mulch, though, he thought they would do everything they could to keep him from getting hurt. It was a comforting thought, and Draco made a promise to himself that he'd do the same for them.

Two goblin heads were better than one, as it turned out. Seeing as how little one goblin head could come up with, that wasn't saying much, and even two together were still limited. Two was just enough to come up with a situation that spelt trouble no matter how Draco thought of it.

It was a heavily forested area they finally arrived in. Few people lived here, but enough for the goblins to get in trouble. The two goblins had run across a small house and entered without a second thought. A woman and two young children had been at home. The goblins had herded the frightened family into a corner and raided the refrigerator. One demonstration fireball had been sufficient to cower the people and drive out any thoughts of fighting back or escaping. They had been reduced to hoping the creatures would soon go, leaving them alone.

Mulch parked a fair distance away from the house, and the three walked up to it slowly. They didn't want the goblins inside to hear the motor and be alerted to their presence. As they crept closer through forest that stopped only at the walls of the house, Artemis began fiddling with his helmet again. Draco almost wished he knew how to use it, since it looked interesting and apparently could tell the user much. "Both goblins are inside," he reported in a whisper. "There are also three humans: one adult, probably female, and two children. The goblins are in a room on the left side," he pointed, "and the humans are across the room from them in the opposite corner," he pointed again.

"The house should have a second door somewhere in the back. Mulch, you circle around and take the back door. The room we want will be on the right. Draco and I will take the front together. We'll give you five minutes to get into position before we go in, Mulch. Don't take any action before that. Try to protect the civilians first, then yourselves, and then worry about attacking the goblins. There might be furniture to duck behind for cover. Any questions?"

"That's breaking and entering, Artemis," Mulch noted. "That's against fairy law."

Artemis gave him a patient look. "You're been violating the law for years, Mulch. And Draco and I are humans, so it doesn't apply to us. You might have to pick a lock, but I doubt the goblins locked the front door behind them."

Mulch snickered. "Alright. I can live with that plan." He checked watches with Artemis. They turned to Draco to see if he had any questions. He paused then shook his head also. It was a simple plan, but he didn't like the idea of attacking headlong. What if there wasn't anything he could use for cover once inside?

The dwarf stood and slowly made his way around the house. Draco and Artemis crept as close to the front door as they dared, moving as silently as they could. A twig broke under Draco's shoe, and he winced at the noise which sounded thunderously loud to his ears. As he waited with Artemis, he recalled that he'd already been hit with a fireball once before today. Maybe he didn't need to be worried. Maybe he could take any number of hits and he'd still be okay.

But he wasn't about to risk his life on a foolish maybe. Better safe than sorry. He leaned over Artemis's shoulder to look at his watch. Four more minutes until they went inside. He glanced at the front door and wondered if it was locked. He was sure he could get it open with a simple Alohomora, but that would waste valuable seconds. Mulch could die in the time it took them to get it open. Not that he would care if Mulch died, of course. But it would be more difficult to win if it was just himself and Artemis attacking. That was the only reason.

Okay, so maybe it would bother him if Mulch died. The creature had no redeeming characteristics, but that didn't mean he should die. Or at least he shouldn't die right in front of Draco.

Now they had three minutes by Artemis's watch. There was a window near the door. Although curtains concealed the inside, Draco thought he could see a few shadows that indicated movement. He guessed it was the goblins moving inside. What if Mulch couldn't get past the back door, or if there was no back door? Then he and Artemis would still be left alone to face the goblins. No, he shouldn't think about that, he could already fell himself begin to shake.

He couldn't seem to stop as his mind came up with more and more ways for this to turn bad. He shook so hard that, as the watch clicked to two minutes remaining, Artemis turned around to look at him. Draco lowered his head but his hands continued to shiver. Then another hand was placed on top of his. The warmth was real, and the comfort in the gesture greater than Draco would have guessed. He raised his head to see Artemis gazing at him. The other hand tightened briefly on his own. The message was clear: they would come through this all right.

He straightened his shoulders and quietly exhaled. Yes, he should be confident. _Never go into a duel thinking you'll lose,_ his father had once said. _You'll only make yourself lose._ It was good advise, and Draco reminded himself firmly that goblins were idiots worse than Griffindors, so naturally he had nothing to fear.

One minute remaining. Draco adjusted his grip on his wand and licked his lips. He ran through the list of spells he and Artemis thought might work on the goblins. This was it. He could do it. He would make his parents proud of him. No, wait, he shouldn't tell them about this adventure. Well then, he'd made Artemis proud of him.

He looked at the hand that held his wand, the hand that Artemis had squeezed. And most of all, today he would make himself proud of him.

Shortly before their last minute ran out, Artemis was up and moving towards the door, trying to stay quiet. Draco followed him. They both moved doubled over so no one, should one glance out a window, could see them. Artemis reached the door first, glanced back to make sure Draco was ready, and yanked it open.

The door, fortunately, was unlocked. Draco rushed into the house, his eyes surveying the situation. The room he'd entered was a large one. The three people were huddled together in the corner to his left. In the opposite corner, the goblins were pulling food out of the refrigerator (not that Draco could identify it as such), and putting the food directly into their mouths, even though most of the food should have been cooked first, or at least removed for the packaging.

A low, red davenport sat not too far from the door and Draco scurried closer to it for cover. As he moved, he saw Mulch enter the room from the hallway, closer to the goblins. There was no furniture over there, so Mulch would only be able to use the door frame for cover. Despite that, the dwarf already had his weapon out and trained on the goblins. Draco didn't take his eyes off the scene in front of him, but he heard Artemis creeping up to crouch behind the davenport with him.

The goblins looked up from their dinner, mouths gaping, half eaten food trickling down their jaws. They seemed to grasp the situation quickly, though. One immediately threw a fireball at Mulch, who was closer. The dwarf quickly ducked down the hallway, and the door frame was heavily burnt in th wake of the fireball. The other goblin began running across the room towards the people huddled in the corner. Draco cursed mentally, took aim, and threw a Banishing Charm at the goblin.

The spell his the goblin head-on, throwing it backwards. Draco had hoped the spell would be enough to toss the goblin into the far wall and knock it out. Unfortunately, the goblin only slid back a meter or so, falling to one knee to regain its balance. While it was down, Artemis took a shot at it. And it was then that Draco discovered that, while Artemis might be a genius, his aim royally sucked. The shot came nowhere near the goblin and the reflex fireball thrown back at them was far more on target.

Draco and Artemis ducked back behind the davenport, which the fireball hit. Draco promptly smelt smoke, realized their cover was burning, and could easily get out of hand. "Now I know why you needed partners for this," Draco muttered at Artemis.

"Oh, sod off," the other boy grunted back. He peeked over the davenport and squinted through the smoke. "The goblin's almost reached the people!" he hissed. He took another shot which, as Draco also peeked over, was closer to the goblin but still didn't hit.

The goblin was nearly to the people by now. Draco pointed his wand and yelled, "Reducto!" The goblin ran into a solid, invisible wall, bouncing back painfully and falling to the ground. "Yes!" Draco cheered. But the goblin was already climbing back to its feet. Artemis took another shot, his best yet. He actually might have hit the goblin, too, except that it suddenly lunged forward, barely evading the shot. And then the goblin was on top of the people, and too close for either boy to dare another attack.

The goblin grinned evilly, showing off pointed teeth. It grabbed the woman by her hair, yanked her backwards, and held a fireball next to her face. Its intent was clear: if they tried anything against the goblin, it'd hurt – maybe even kill – the woman. The two boys stared across the burning davenport, trying desperately to think of something else to do.

Draco turned and saw Mulch cautiously making his way closer to them. The other goblin lay unconscious next to the refrigerator. There was almost no cover for him before he reached Draco and Artemis, and Draco looked away so as not to draw the goblin's attention to the dwarf. Beside him, Artemis sighed.

"Alright," he said to the goblin, "you win. We'll let you go." Draco turned and stared at him, gape-jawed. Surely Artemis didn't mean that! They couldn't let the thing go! It would probably hurt the woman anyway, no matter what they promised. But Artemis put his weapon down and raised his hands in defeat. He gave Draco a pointed look. The wizard sighed, then reluctantly pocketed his wand and raised his hands also. From the corner of his eye, he saw that Mulch had collapsed on the ground, and appeared unconscious. He had been fine moments ago, though!

And then he realized that Artemis had a plan, and Mulch had guessed what it was.

The goblin snickered to itself. Gripping the woman tightly, it moved towards the door, towing the woman with it. It had enough sense to keep the woman as a shield between itself and the two boys. When it finally reached the door, it flung the woman aside and ran as fast as it could. Mulch leaped up and Draco noticed he was directly in front of the door. The dwarf took aim and shot. Draco heard a soft moan followed by a thump.

Rushing to the door, Draco peered out. The goblin lay slumped on the ground, barely short of ducking behind a large tree. Artemis's last minute trickery had worked, and the goblins were defeated. Draco slumped to the ground in relief.

* * *

Draco leaned against the trunk of the car. Holly and Butler had just arrived to obliviate – mind wipe, he corrected himself – the woman and her children. Originally. He'd thought that job might have been left up to him, especially after he'd offered to do so. But Holly and Butler had finished up their share of goblins faster than Draco and his group, and had come to help in the clean up. He decided he was glad for that; he could cast obliviate, and had done so once before. The spell hadn't been quite as effective as he might have like, though. Well, it was a OWL level spell, so it was understandable if he hadn't perfected it just yet. 

The davenport inside the house had been ruined, although Draco had doused it with water to keep the fire from spreading to the rest of the house. According to Artemis, the family would concoct their own explanation as to why the house was ruined and the food was gone. Their job was done, and they'd succeeded admirably.

Both of the goblins who'd been beaten here had been stuffed into Butler's car, which had more room in it. Butler himself was making sure Artemis had no injuries, while Holly and Mulch were inside taking care of the wind wipes. Artemis glanced at Draco, then turned to his bodyguard and said, "Butler, you will have to teach me how to use a gun. My aim, it seems, leaves something to be desired."

Draco laughed at that, and Artemis, good-natured now that the danger was over, shared a smile with him. However, when Holly exited the house with an evil smirk on her face, Draco's laugher instantly evaporated. "Now it's your turn," the elf told him with unholy glee.

Draco tried to back up but couldn't since he was next to the car. He held his hands out in front of himself and tried to think of a good reason Holly shouldn't erase his memories. But Artemis came to his rescue first. "That isn't necessary, Holly," he said firmly. "Draco was a great help, and even saved Mulch's life. We agreed not to mind wipe him if he helped, and he did. That means we need to hold up our side of the bargain."

Holly scowled. "And what's to stop this brat from running to the wizards and telling them all about The People?" she demanded, capitals clearly audible.

"These wizards have been keeping themselves hidden for centuries. I think Draco will realized how important secrecy is, and promise not to tell anyone." Artemis glanced to Draco for confirmation.

Draco nodded rapidly. "Of course, of course. I wouldn't dream of telling anyone about you guys! My parents would only punish me if they knew I'd met Muggles, anyway. So I won't tell, I promise." He looked right at Holly when he said that, and tried to infuse his face with all of his very real sincerity. This adventure was something he never wanted to forget about.

Holly sighed. "Fine. If Artemis thinks you'll be good, then I trust him." She gave Artemis a look that said precisely what she'd do if Draco proved untrustworthy.

"Come on," Artemis said to Draco, opening the front door of the car. "Since it's getting late, we need to take you back before your parents find out."

Draco paused before hopping into the back. His adventure was finally over. He found himself missing the excitement already, and missing also the people he'd met. "If you can take me close to the inn I'm staying at, that'd be even better," he offered hopefully. Butler took the driver's seat this time, and pulled the car away at a much more even pace than Mulch had. He paused, then asked, "Why did you really stop the elf from obliviating me?"

"Mind wipe," Artemis corrected distractedly. "And you don't deserve that anymore, just like I told Holly. You helped far more than I thought you would. So I'm letting you keep your memories, and if Holly doesn't like it, she can argue with me." He turned in his seat to give Draco a pointed look. "Just like Holly said, you may not tell anyone, even your parents, about the fairies. They're keen on their privacy."

"I won't tell," Draco promised hurriedly. "Wizards like to live in secret too, so I understand. You can count on me."

"Yes, I think I can," Artemis murmured. And that sentence, and the thoughtful but confident tone it was uttered in, was what made Draco voice something before he could think it over.

"May I write you sometime, Artemis?" He clamped his mouth firmly shut after that popped out. What a strange request to make! He barely corresponded with Vincent, Gregory, Theodore, Blaise, and Pansy, and they were his friends. Well, they saw each other so often that they hardly needed to write to each other, but still. Having a pen friend wasn't something a Slytherin, or a Malfoy, did.

On the other hand, he couldn't think of another way he could keep in contact with Artemis. And he knew he didn't want to lose touch. With the Dark Lord back and all, things could turn complicated at any time. It could be useful, to have someone with brains to help him out if need be. If it came to it, Artemis might have more success taking over the world than the Dark Lord had had so far. Yes, definitely someone Draco wanted firmly on his side.

Artemis stared at him for a very long time, his lips a thin line and a crease between his brows. Draco suddenly wondered if Artemis wanted anything to do with him. After all, how many times would the other boy need a wizard-in-training? If he should ever need magical support, he already had the fairies, if he couldn't manage their technology on his own. "That would be nice," Artemis finally murmured. He seemed pleased.

"Really?" Draco asked, a hint of shyness in his voice. He cursed to himself and firmed his tone. "You'd like to keep in contact?"

"I see no reason why not. I do find you wizards fascinating." Artemis cocked his head thoughtfully. "I don't suppose you have e-mail though. Do you have an address?"

"Malfoy Manor has many defenses. Muggle post could never get past. You'll have to send mail our way." Artemis raised an eyebrow while Draco grinned. "We use owls," he explained. Artemis's brow crept higher. "It's true. They're trained and are quite fast. I'll send my owl to you in a few days. Don't worry, he'll be able to find your house. Then you can send a letter back with him."

"And these... owls..." Artemis said the word with distaste. However fast the birds were, surely it couldn't beat the Internet. "They never run into trouble on a delivery?"

Draco paused. It was true that owls could be stopped and searched. In fact, if he was corresponding with a Muggle, and was found out by his parents... Well, saying they would be displeased would be an understatement. "Good point. I'll charm some parchment and sent it to you along with special ink. I'll set a password so that the parchment can only be read if you know the password." His father sometimes sent out letters like that. When Draco had asked him how he did it, Lucius, in an indulgent mood at the time, had explained the spells that went into it.

"That doesn't sound very safe," Artemis muttered.

"It'll work, trust me," Draco said confidently. "My father does it all the time. And I'll make sure I pick a good password that no one else can guess." He beamed at Artemis. The other boy nodded in reluctant agreement, wondering if he could put this bespelled ink in his printer so he wouldn't have to write the letters by hand.

All too soon, it seemed, they were close to the inn the Malfoy's were staying at. Since there were a few Muggle-repelling charms on the building, Draco had them drop him off a short distance away. He got out and watched as the car turned and drove off. He didn't wave, but watched until a bend in the road took the vehicle out of sight. Then he turned and slowly began making his way back to the inn. He should have just enough time to clean up and change into respectable clothes before his parents got back.

He smiled as he walked. He'd never had a secret from his parents before, and the prospect was tantalizing.

* * *

**Notes:**  
Comforting broomstick between his legs... Let it never be said I don't do innuendo. 

This is the end of the first part of this fic. But that doesn't mean this is the end. Next chapter is the beginning of the second part of the story, wherein Draco will go back to Hogwarts and try to get some help solving mysteries from his pen friend Artemis. The next part will largely follow Order of the Phoenix, with a few changes because I am evil.


	6. How Draco's Insults Started to Mature

**For Want of Magic**  
**Author:** Qaddafi the Ripper  
**Summary:** Draco returns to Hogwarts for another year, wherein he starts growing up and attempts to unveil mysteries with the help of his pen friend, Artemis.  
**Disclaimer:** Me not Rowling. Me not Colfer. You no sue. Who Theodore Nott?  
**Notes:** Some Draco/Pansy in this part, and probably the next part too.

* * *

**Chapter 6: **How Draco (And His Insults) Started to Mature 

Draco fiddled with his quill, wondering what he should write. Correspondence oughtn't be this difficult. He hoped that, after this first letter, it would become easier. He also hoped that he would be able to write more frequently once he returned to Hogwarts; he'd intended to write to Artemis earlier, really he had, but he'd been so busy working with his father to learn more dueling spells. And, while he had time this past week, he kept trying to write something but everything sounded stupid. He ended up going through eight versions before he finally had a letter he was willing to send to Artemis.

_Dear Artemis,_

_I hope this letter finds you well. I have been missing you greatly, even though we've only just met. In case you were worried, let me assure you that I have not told my parents anything about our little adventure. I am sending you a quill, bewitched parchment, and bewitched ink along with this letter. If you have any trouble using it, tell me. The password, which has not been set on this letter, of course, is Bwa Kell. I don't think any wizard beside me will be able to guess that._

_I shall be starting my fifth year at Hogwarts this September. What school do you attend, and what year are you? I am sure I won't have heard of your school, but I am curious. Every year at Hogwarts, we end up getting a new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor. No professor has lasted more than a year for a long time. My father tells me that Dumbledore (the Headmaster, in case you've forgotten) hasn't found a new teacher yet. Much as I find Hogwarts doesn't do the subject justice, I still hope someone is found to teach it soon._

_Might I tell you what other subjects I will be studying this year? Besides Defense Against the Dark Arts, Charms, Potions, Transfiguration, History of Magic, Herbology, and Astronomy are required. Charms is one of my better subjects, as is Potions. I am decent at Transfiguration and Herbology, but Astronomy and History of Magic put me to sleep. My elective subjects are Care of Magical Creatures and Arithmancy. Care of Magical Creatures is a joke, since the teacher, a half-giant named Hagrid, is an incompetent buffoon. I haven't dropped it because I enjoy watching him make a fool of himself. Arithmancy is always enjoyable._

_I also wanted to tell you that my father has been helping me learn some new spells. After our fights with the goblins, I appreciated how little dueling magic I actually knew. My school, unfortunately, teaches little that is designed for combat. My father, however, knows many spells and he has been teaching them to me this summer. He was ever so proud when I came to ask him for help learning new spells, and he's proved to be an exemplary teacher. While many of the spells he's taught me wouldn't be good against goblins (it seems that most wizard spells are designed to attack the body of the opponent), they will still come in handy sometime, I'm sure. If you ever have another adventure while I'm not in school, please invite me along. I'll be so much more useful this time around!_

_I will be leaving for school in a few days, but any letter you send will find me there. Please write back, because I do want to keep in touch with you._

_Yours,_

_Draco Malfoy_

Yes, that letter would do. He recalled how curious Artemis had been about the wizarding world, so he thought Artemis would like to hear about his classes. If not, Artemis would tell him as much in his reply. Draco sealed the letter and ran to get his owl.

* * *

Draco had found a compartment far in the rear of the Hogwarts Express. Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle had boarded with him (the three families liked to meet up ahead of time), and Theodore Nott and Blaise Zabini had joined them soon, followed at last by Pansy Parkinson. Unfortunately, as he and Pansy were prefects, they had to go to the front of the train for most of the ride. The prefect meeting was boring, and Draco was offended that both Weasley and Granger had made prefect for Gryffindor. Not Potter though, and he wasn't about to forget that. When the meeting was over, both he and Pansy hurried back to the compartment to find their friends. "Did you hear?" Pansy asked breathlessly as soon as she and Draco entered the compartment. "Dumbledore couldn't find someone to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts. The Minister had to find someone for him." 

Vincent, Gregory and Blaise looked interested. Draco had already heard as much yesterday, and he was sure Theodore had too. His father had been at the Ministry to hear the news, and who had agreed to teach. It was why he, and everyone else, had been forced to buy their books at the last minute.

"Our professor will be Dolores Umbridge," he told the group haughtily. "She works at the Ministry directly under Fudge. My father says she is a wonderful woman." He raised his wand and cast a charm against eavesdropping around the compartment. "He said she is a miserable person who will doubtless be a horrid teacher."

"Wonderful," Theodore commented. "Now I'm looking forward to Defense even more." He and Draco shared a smirk. While most people might have thought Draco was closest to Vincent and Gregory, that was not true. They made good bodyguards in school, but weren't the sort one could hold a conversation with. Pansy was there to stroke his ego, as far as Draco was concerned. Blaise was a decent sort, and a good friend, but Draco had known Theodore for years. He was probably the only one in their year in Slytherin who could compete with Draco. (And, like Draco, his parents scolded him for being out-tested every year by a Mudblood.) His father was also Death Eaters, and the two boys had gotten along well for years. If he'd been pushed, Draco would have named Theodore as his best friend.

"It will be a good chance to get some beauty rest," Blaise agreed. He ran a comb through his black hair. He was very good looking, and always made sure everyone noticed.

Draco shook his head. "We can't do that. We want Professor Umbridge to like us." At the incredulous looks he received from everyone except Theodore, he explained. "Look, Fudge and the whole Ministry think both Dumbledore and Potter are crazy with their talk of the Dark Lord returning." He paused so they could share a significant look. Everyone in this cabin knew the truth of the rumors about the Dark Lord's return. "We want the Ministry to continue thinking they're mad. So we have to play nice with anyone from the Ministry, especially someone like Umbridge who will be reporting directly to Fudge."

A look of understanding crossed Blaise and Pansy's faces, and they nodded in agreement. Vincent and Gregory agreed even though they didn't understand, as Draco had expected of them. "That's going to be very annoying," Theodore sighed. "The education quality at Hogwarts will get lower than ever."

Draco shrugged philosophically. Some things you just had to learn to live with. And he'd already taken care of learning some new Defense Against the Dark Arts spells this summer with his father. People might have been surprised to learn that Lucius Malfoy knew Defense, and not just the Dark Arts themselves. Draco wondered how people who thought things like that managed to survive. For every Dark Arts spell he learned, Lucius had always tried to learn the counter spell, for such a time as when the spell might be turned against him. It meant, more directly, that he knew more of Defense than most of the teachers who taught the subject at Hogwarts.

Before too long, he felt the urge to go bother Potter and his friends (a Hogwarts Express tradition). He remembered the other tidbit his father had told him with a malicious grin. He left Potter behind feeling even better. Not only had he taunted Potter for not making prefect, he'd clued the other boy into the fact that he knew about the animagus form of Sirius Black.

There would be enough fun this year, he decided, to make up for bad Defense classes.

As he sat down for the rest of the train ride, he looked out the window and was surprised to see his owl flying along side the locomotive. He opened the window and dragged his owl back inside, taking the letter from it. "Isn't it rather early to be getting letters from the family?" Theodore asked dryly.

Draco frowned at the outside, on which only his name was written. That wasn't any handwriting he recognized. He frowned and opened the letter. The inside was blank! It took him a moment before he realized with a rush of elation who the letter must be from. "It's not from my parents, and it's not any of your business," he told Theodore coolly. He stuffed the letter into the pocket of his robe. It wasn't something he wanted to read in public.

With something unforeseen to look forward to, the rest of the day passed quickly. He barely noticed the Sorting, and ate the feast almost as fast as Vincent and Gregory did (although he ate no where near as much). Fortunately, his fellow Slytherins knew better than to comment on his unusual behavior. He did pay some attention to the speech Professor Umbridge made (it was a very boring speech, but his father was assuming he would pay attention to it, and might ask about it in his upcoming letters). Finally, it was time to leave the Great Hall. Assuming the mantle of a prefect's duties, he called for the first years to follow him, which they did with wide eyes.

He swept majestically through the corridors and to the Slytherin Common Room, where he gave the first years the password (draconis major). Then he made his way to the fifth year boys' room, climbed up on his bed, and pulled the curtains closed behind him. He lay back on his bed and finally pulled out Artemis's letter, which was wrinkled by now. He smoothed it out, opened it, and whispered, "Bwa Kell." Sure enough, writing appeared in the same, neat hand that had written his name on the outside. The handwriting was almost too neat; it looked like something out of a book or magazine. Draco shrugged and started reading.

_Dear Draco,_

_You spelt the password wrong. It is "B'wa Kell," not "Bwa Kell," but I suppose it is too late to change it now._

_Your classes sound interesting. I wonder if you might tell me where I could get a hold of some magic textbooks. Even if I cannot learn how to cast the spells, I would like to learn the theory. You should be ashamed of yourself for not paying attention during history. After all, "he who does not know history is doomed to repeat it."_

_The poor quality of teachers must be annoying. You said Hogwarts is the most prestigious school of magic in Europe; why then does the Headmaster have so much trouble finding competent faculty? I also wonder about your own decision to take a class merely to mock the professor. Surely this will not help further your future career goals, whatever those might be._

_I attend Saint Bartleby's School for Young Gentlemen, which is in Ireland, as a fourth year. I am usually bored by classes, but my parents would be disturbed if I did not attend._

_The goblins we captured have been tried and imprisoned. I have not seen Holly or Mulch since, and I admit I am growing bored. Your letter was a pleasant break in the routine. Should another incident arise, and should I have time to inform you, be assured that I shall. It is good to know that you are learning more magic outside of class._

_Sincerely,_

_Artemis Fowl II_

Draco was amused that Artemis signed the letter with his full name. But apart from that, he brought up some good points. Draco had never thought about it that way, but, if he was learning nothing in Care of Magical Creatures, then why was he taking it? His father wouldn't have objected if he signed up for another elective like Ancient Runes (Muggle Studies and Divination were as much of a joke as Hagrid's class).

Come to think of it, what were his career goals? He knew he wanted to be a powerful wizard, and that he would support the Dark Lord, but that was all. He could get a job at the Ministry like his father had. But, did he really want to follow in Lucius's footsteps? Mightn't it be nice if he could do something no Malfoy had ever done before?

It was a lot to think about, and it made him want to discuss his thoughts with someone. He glanced back at the letter and grinned. He knew just who to talk with. And he knew that his pen friend wouldn't expect him to be as formal as he had been in his original letter.

_Dear Artemis,_

_Maybe if you had told me how it was spelt, I wouldn't have gotten it wrong. And, yes, it is too late to change it now._

_Let me assure you that you wouldn't pay any closer attention than I do in History of Magic. The class is taught by a ghost, and he's only interested in goblin (our kind of goblins, not yours) rebellions. It's incredibly boring. Even you would fall asleep. I catch up on essays during class._

_I admit I had never thought about the quality of teachers at Hogwarts before you brought it up. We do have some good teachers: Professor Snape, who teachers Potions, is excellent, and I have learned a great deal from him. The Charms, Transfiguration, Herbology, and Arithmancy professors are all very good at their subjects, even if I don't like some of them. Since the Defense Against the Dark Arts post is supposed to be jinxed, no one wants to teach it, which means we get bad professors. But I wonder why other subjects have bad teachers too? From people who have taken those classes, I hear Divination and Muggle Studies are a joke too. Perhaps I shall have to do some investigation into this._

_Do you have any idea how I might investigate this? The new Defense teacher has been sent by the Ministry to keep an eye on the Headmaster, and I doubt she'll be a good teacher either. I wouldn't want it to be too obvious what I'm investigating, so any advice would also be appreciated._

_Your letter made me think a lot. For starters, I don't have a specific career goal right now. I guess I've always thought I be involved in the Ministry somehow, much like my father is, but I never thought in what capacity. Perhaps I should give it some thought. Have you any ideas?_

_The only places I know of to get magical textbooks are in magical shops. Most of these shops have Muggle Repelling Charms, but you might be able to get past those. The best place to try is Diagon Alley. It's in London, behind a pub called the Leaky Cauldron. Perhaps your fairy technology will allow you to see it, which is more than most Muggles can do. There are also bookstores in Hogsmeade, the village near my school, but it's just as hard to find as Diagon Alley._

_Yours,_

_Draco_

Draco folded up the letter and sealed it. As it wasn't time for curfew yet, and he was a prefect in any case and allowed out after hours, he headed up to the owlery to send the letter right away. This year would indeed be interesting. Always before, it had been Potter and his Golden Trio who figured out the mysteries around Hogwarts. Well, this year it would be Draco.

* * *

Umbridge, he discovered five minutes into the first class with her, was horrible. She clearly hadn't the faintest idea how to teach, what with using class time to read the textbook (Draco had flipped through the book earlier, and found it painfully boring) and talking to the class as if they were five year olds. Nonetheless, she was from the Ministry, and his father was expecting him to be on his best behavior. He obediently read through the first chapter of the text during class (or at least one and a half pages of it, after which his eyes crossed and he sat staring blankly at the pages), along with his fellow fifth year Slytherins. Sometime during that boredom inducing period, Draco decided to talk with the new professor after class. 

He had decided to investigate Hogwarts hiring procedure, and he was curious about how far the Ministry was willing to get involved in the school. Umbridge was an ideal place to start digging up information. He had a free period after Defense Against the Dark Arts, and hopefully Umbridge did too. He smirked to himself; there were a few things he could do without Artemis's help.

The bell rang, and most of the other Slytherins made new records in getting out the door quickly. Draco, however, packed up his bag slowly and then approached Umbridge's desk. "Professor?" he said in his best Good Student voice. She turned to look at him suspiciously, her beady little eyes narrowing. He held out a hand. "My father, Lucius Malfoy, works at the Ministry. He's always spoken highly of you." Lucius had done nothing of the sort, as he found Umbridge just as distasteful as Draco did. Flattery, however, could get you just about anywhere, a truth Slytherins understood instinctively.

She perked up promptly and shook his hand. "Yes, you must be Draco. Your father is an intelligent man, and very handsome," she simpered. Draco winced, but neglected to point out that his father was quite attached to his mother, thank you very much. "How can I help you, Mr. Malfoy?"

He shifted on his feet and let his eyes drop to the ground. Look hesitant and cautious, that was the key. "Well, I know that you were assigned this job at the very last minute by the Ministry. I was wondering why you took the job. I mean, it's clear you're an excellent teacher--" years of lying helped that get past his lips without a wince "--but wouldn't you rather be at your job at the Ministry? You're ever so important..." He let himself trail off.

Her eyes positively sparkled, and she placed a hand on his arm. He tried not to gag. "You're so right, Mr. Malfoy. I would love being at the Ministry right now. The Minister, as I'm sure you know, relies heavily on me. However, he did need someone he could trust here at Hogwarts this year, so I volunteered. Cornelius, oops, I mean _Minister Fudge_," she giggled, "was ever so glad for my assistance."

Oh, if only he didn't need her to like him for this information! "Isn't it strange, though, professor?" he continued his guileless act. "Hogwarts is an excellent school, and pays teachers very well, or so my father once said. Why do you think Dumbledore has such a hard time finding teachers?" Her opinion would be useless, but perhaps she'd have heard a few things from other sources that he could follow up with.

Umbridge waved a hand, and her face turned cold. "Well, Dumbledore has some... unique ideas about hiring procedures. We at the Ministry are getting less and less sure if he's doing a good job here. However, while the teachers he finds are not always qualified or appropriate, he does usually manage to get someone. There's always been a problem with Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers."

"Why is that? Some people say the job is cursed, so no teacher can last more than a year." This was what he wanted to hear, and he hoped she had something useful to say.

She let out a soft tut of disapproval. "Mr. Malfoy, you shouldn't go believing everything you hear. Yes, it's true that no one has held the job for more than a year in... oh, almost forty years now. But I'm sure that's just a coincidence. Why, if someone better is found for next year so I can return to my Ministry job, I'm sure people will continue to say the job is cursed. It's total nonsense, of course, but children will say anything. Now, in the future, I don't want to hear that you--" She continued to talk, but Draco toned her out, and merely nodded his head at appropriate intervals. It was clear she didn't know much, but she had given him one valuable clue: the job had been jinxed for around forty years. It gave him a date to start looking into.

It took him an annoyingly long time to slip away from Umbridge. He finally claimed lots of homework for an excuse and darted out of the room as fast as he could. Well, his father would be pleased that he'd gotten himself into the woman's good graces, and Draco hoped Lucius appreciated the sacrifice he'd made to get into said graces. Wandering down the hallways, he ran into Pansy. He smirked at her and waved, and she scurried over to his side and linked her arm with his.

It was a grand thing, to walk the halls of school with a girl on his arm. So few people were going out steady, so Draco showed Pansy off as much as possible. In public at least; when alone, he shook her off as quickly as possible. A girl was good for show, but could really cramp a guy's style. Today of all days, though, Draco became glad he had her hanging off his arm. As they made their way down another corridor, not too far from the Charms classroom, he spotted two-thirds of the Golden Trio. Weasel and the Mudblood were without Potter for once, and it almost looked like they were alone together deliberately. Almost, except Draco was sure that they weren't. It was clear to everyone except those two that they had a thing for each other, even though they spent most of their time arguing.

"Well, well," he called. Everyone in range turned around to see what was happening. He saw grins form on a few faces; those people knew something amusing was about to happen. "It's Weasel and Granger, alone together." He never called the girl Mudblood when Ravenclaws or Hufflepuffs were nearby. Wouldn't do to antagonize anyone except those he meant to antagonize. "Ditched Potter to have some time for each other?"

It was, he felt, a better insult than he'd managed in the past. Before, he just made fun of Weasley's poverty and Granger's Muggle family. He had, however, grown up a lot over the summer, and at some point had realized how stupid his old insults had been. Which didn't mean he had any intention of stopping the insults. It just meant he needed better insults. This was one he could be proud of. It made the two embarrassed (even now, both were deeper red than Weasley's hair), and implied that they were bad friends to Potter for leaving him alone.

"Shut up, Malfoy," Weasley spluttered.

Draco stepped closer, and put a hurt expression on his face. "I can't do that, Weasley. I want to help you, and how can I do that without talking?"

"You... want to help?" Weasley gaped, barely getting the words out. Granger turned a suspicious look on him, clearly trying to see where he was going with all this.

"Yes, of course I do. I've seen that you have trouble sometimes. And it's trouble we all go through at one point or another. Since I've got a bit more experience than you, I thought I'd give some advice." The audience surrounding them leaned closer and quieted. Draco smiled benevolently and patted Pansy's arm. "It can be hard to win over the ladies, can't it?"

Strange and amusing things happened to Weasley's face. He went a deeper red. Then he pulled as far away from Granger as the crowd permitted. Then he glared. "I don't need any help from you in getting a girl," he snapped.

"Oh, Weasley," Draco sighed, shaking his head sadly. "Everyone knows you haven't gotten anywhere with Granger. I'd say you need all the help you can get." Pansy snickered and leaned her head on Draco's shoulder. "See?" Draco wrapped his arm around Pansy's waist. "I have experience in getting girls, so I can help you, Weasley. I really think you should take me up on my offer." Pansy giggled and snuggled closer to him.

Granger rolled her eyes. "Grow up, will you?" she sighed. Weasley, who had been gaping in silence, turned to her in surprise. "Like you know anything about girls either."

"I know plenty," Draco informed her loftily. "Here, I'll show you." He turned to Pansy. "My dear," he addressed her gallantly, "may I kiss you?" He wished he could still watch Weasley's face, but he had to play the debonair. He might brag in front of Gryffindors, but he realized he'd only snogged Pansy once before, during the Yule Ball the year before. Pansy seemed surprised by his request, but she smiled and nodded, letting her eyes flutter close. As Draco drew close to her, he also realized he was about to have his second kiss in front of many witnesses. He'd have to make sure it was good in that case.

He kept his month on top of Pansy's for well over a minute, and even managed to get his tongue in her mouth (something he'd seen his parents do many times). He could hear awed silence from most of the crowd, and, from the way she clung to him, it was also clear that Pansy was enjoying the kiss. He finally straightened, pulling Pansy upright with him. He smirked at Weasley and Granger, who were both staring at him with a combination of surprise and disgust. "You see?" he asked, pulling the pliant Pansy back to his side. "I know how to catch girls. So what do say, Weasley? Want some tips for getting Granger? I promise not to steal her; Muggleborns--" he enunciated the politer term clearly "--aren't my type."

"Oh, like you could get me!" Granger cried, then pushed Weasley aside and started past the crowd.

"Such a temperamental girl," Draco tsk'ed sadly. "But now that she's gone, we can talk. How about it? Since you could never snag a girl on your own, I'll teach you how it's done." Draco smirked at Weasley. Weasley turned a purplish shade of red and clenched his fists, trembling in anger. Best to get out before he blew his lid, Draco decided. "No? Your loss, then. Come, Pansy. We've much to do." He turned and strolled confidently through the crowd, Pansy hanging from his arm the entire time.

He was swarmed by admirers once he reach the Slytherin table come dinner time. Everyone was impressed by the quality of his insults, especially the fact that they hadn't sounded like insults, so he couldn't get in trouble with the teachers. "How did you come up with such good stuff?" Theodore asked, impressed.

Draco leaned back in his seat and smirked smugly. "So many students here as such children," he sighed, looking cool and casual. "Unlike the rest of you, I grew up this summer. There'll be no more childishness from me this year. I hope it won't take long for the rest of you to join me, but I'm not holding me breath for it to happen." His grin broadened as it took many of his year mates (and even those older than him) some time to realized he'd offered another insult. Theodore, the first to catch on, narrowed his eyes but didn't say anything.

Alone that night in his bed, Draco finally began to rethink his taunting strategy. He didn't regret doing it; the looks on Weasley and Granger's faces had been priceless, and he'd enjoyed the compliments afterwards. What bothered him was how he had felt kissing Pansy. He thought it should feel very nice, to kiss a willing girl. There had been a feeling of power that he'd gotten, which he had enjoyed – although he noted that feeling could be from the teasing and not the kissing – but there hadn't been much else. Snogging Pansy had left him feeling cold.

Oh, well, he shrugged to himself. Pansy wasn't the most interesting or beautiful girl in any case. Next time he showed off, he'd go for a grope, just to check. That, he was sure he'd enjoy.

Over breakfast the next morning, Draco had mostly forgotten his worries. What few might have remained were wiped from his mind when his owl arrived, bringing a letter from Artemis. Draco grinned and slipped away from the table with a hasty excuse; he didn't want anyone to know about Artemis, so he planned to always read the letters in private. There was enough time before his first class, and Draco ducked into the boy's bathroom to read the letter in one of the stalls.

_Dear Draco,_

_It is unfortunate that many of your classes aren't taught well. I admit to not paying much attention to many of my classes either. Given that, I suppose I shouldn't act superior. I am glad to hear that some of your courses – all of which sound fascinating – are taught by competent teachers._

_Investigating is something that might take a long time, I'll warn you. There might not be any good answers to your questions. One place to start is by asking current or former teachers, if they are available. Start with ones who will be willing to answer your questions. Ask why they chose to work there, what their qualifications are, what the job requirements were, if there was an interview process, etc. I trust I needn't tell you all the details. If you can't get much out of teachers, try the administrators, like the Headmaster or the school governors. They should also have some answers._

_Lacking that, try looking through newspapers from the summer. If the school was looking for a new teacher during that time, there should be help wanted adverts. Those adverts should mention some criteria for selecting new professors. Also, since your father has connections into your Ministry, ask him why the school was unable to find a new teacher, and how the Ministry supplied the current teacher. Surely you can bother him enough to get some useful information out of him. Lastly, there should be records in the school, perhaps in the library, about students and teachers from past years. Look through those, and find out who else taught at your school._

_As to career advice, I'm sure I have no idea. I don't know what adult wizards do. Where in London is this Leaky Cauldron? The city is too large for me to check every building. Or, if you don't know that, where approximately is this Hogsmeade? I very much want to observe your wizarding culture, and I want some books even more. Tell me as much as you can, please._

_Sincerely,_

_Artemis Fowl II_

Draco grinned when he reached the end of the letter. Some of the investigation techniques he had guessed on his own, which made him feel proud of himself. He liked Artemis's last idea best. There were records in the Hogwarts library about former students and teachers, he'd stumbled across them in the back of the library two years ago. He doubted anyone besides Madame Pince, the librarian, even knew those records were there, not even that Mudblood Granger. And he'd already conned Umbridge into informing him the time around which people started to say the Defense Against the Dark Arts position was cursed. He had everything he needed to go off searching, and, more importantly, finding.

He was looking forward to this.

* * *

**Additional Notes:** There were nifty fonts for this chapter, but the Pite of Voles doesn't like formatting. In case you were wondering, yes, Artemis is using the computer to write his letters. 

While Draco might have grown up some, the fact that he's still spouting insults should prove he's got a lot further to go.

On Arithmency: We've never really been given any details as to what this subject is, but I found an interview in which Rowling says it is "predicting the future using numbers," similar to Numerology. I am vastly disappointed in Rowling after this, as she already had Divination as a subject. Also, after a discussion with a friend about how Arithmancy couldn't be Galois Theory but hopefully some form of higher-level math, I am disgusted by Rowling's only including math to predict the future. Sorry, end rant.

Most chapters in this portion of the story will follow this format: Draco's POV of OotP, interspersed with letters. I have no intention of rehashing OotP, so I am only covering major parts, and parts that are changed. Hopefully, there will be a few Artemis POV's too at some point, perhaps via side stories.

Also, to those of you who don't like slash: the Draco/Artemis parts aren't here yet, but they are gradually growing closer. While there will be nothing graphic in this story (anything I feel like writing with a high rating will be placed in a side story), the romance will be there. So, just to be warned that it will come up, but it will be some time yet, and when it does it will be non-graphic.

Lastly, is anyone actualy reading this? Because my desire to write this is going WAY downhill.


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